Passwords, Captchas and the blood of a virgin!

SO, I have scoured the internet and landed on a blog worthy of my time. Worthy of being e-mailed directly to my inbox. Maybe even worthy of  adding to my tool bar! THAT worthy!

I am seconds from unlocking the wisdom of others. Uncovering the truths that elude me.

They assure me, with just a couple of easy clicks, I will be a priority member of this amazing cult blog. The blog police just have to make sure I am human. Insert captcha request.

OUT COMES MY INNER DYSLEXIC NINJA!

I’ve got this!

SCPAIVI    …. No ….

No worries. I come at it full force!

….. 

SCUMMY …. NO!…. Shit! I regroup… and focus…

 ….    

SCRUMDILLIUMPTIOUS …..NO!!……  Now I’m lost!

I start looking for words in the dictionary, thesaurus and Holy Bible.

I question myself, wondering if the blog really is ALL that it claims, then why do they want me to suffer for this information. Is this an academic club that will forever be out of reach?

I pull out all the stops and find the unstoppable true ninja within. Giving it one last try.

     

…. SCRAM …..

The world unlocks!

  Everything within reach.

…..AFTER I verify my email! WHAT?!?! Really!

Easy enough. I go to my email account. Clever dyslexic that I am, I bypass the “sign in” page because I store the ID and password on my computer that  my horrific memory cannot. Only to be denied once again.

Not me! Dyslexic Ninja to the rescue!

My ID comes easy enough. I start to type and the computer remembers the rest.

The password is a different story.

I search my memory for what was going on in my life around the time of the last password change. I try: CHOColate …. An error message comes up saying this is not my password.

I think and revise to: CHOColateNOW! Nothing…

I try: FoCusGrAsShOpPeR

… Not a chance!   The computer helpfully reminds me I changed my password 36 days ago.

I give the computer a mental B***H SLAP! And press the “Forgot your password” option.

The computer gives me the choice of answering three of my six secret questions. SCORE! I got this, right?!?! I mean these questions were chosen by me and they are about me. How can anything go wrong?

The first choice: What is your favorite color.

Lock. Load. Fire! Green, baby! My favorite color is green! Two to go.

I scroll to choose the next question.

My other options: What was your third grade teachers name?

My third grade teacher. hmmm. Did I even know how to spell her name then? And if I get the right spelling do I need to capitalize the first letter?

NEXT!

What color panties are you wearing?

My panties?!? I’m wearing my Tuesday panties! But… Was it Tuesday when my sarcastic ass thought of this question??? Skip!

Who was your childhood best friend?

What was your first pet’s name?

And finally, How much wood can a wood chuck chuck?

My mind starts to race, my hands clammy.

I go for the best friend question and type in her name. Nope! Wait! What? Oh yeah, I used her nick name. I spell out Samwisegamgee, not seeing the humor that I am sure had me rolling when I made this brilliant decision 36 days ago!

After the sadistic image of me kicking a wood chuck races through my mind, I enter my childhood pet’s name. O’Guy.

I am taken to the password changing page. After filling the requirements that my password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin

   

I gather these necessary elements for the complex new password and am finally redirected to the much anticipated holy grail of blogs, I anxiously await the first topic:

101 writing tips!

ARGHHHHHH!

I think I owe a virgin an apology!

~Dyslexicwhisper

Dyslexia Declarations *Yale Center For Dyslexia & Creativity

Dyslexia Declarations *Yale Center For Dyslexia & Creativity

Dyslexia Declarations

http://t.co/c6nE7MSBeO

I am number 14, SO thrilled!! 

I fall in love with sentences.

Writing for me is not about emotion, although I do hope my writing evokes emotion in my readers. Writing for me is defining something right down to the nano-essence. If I am writing about what I know it becomes a mind game, a type of puzzle to find the words (not always successfully), the exact words that define what I see into a sentence. I am not talking about a description of what is going on in my writing. I am talking about setting forth the meaning of an action or thought in a poetic way that captures all of the senses.

When my characters are evolving I journey with them, like a ghost on their shoulder in the movie of their life. I write when I can feel as well as hear what is going on.

My process and challenge is to take the picture in my imagination, finding the precise wording that will make me fall in love with my sentence (Random Kellee fact number one: I fall in love with sentences), turning my precise wording into sentences the reader can form back into pictures enabling them to escape into my world for a brief time.   I want the reader to see what I see and this brings me back to falling in love with my sentences.

I know I have achieved my goal if I love my sentence. I will want to read it over and over. I will want to devote all my time to it living in its world and escaping reality. And that gives me a nerdy little electrical rush through my body.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic! Ha!! I love this. It is me through and through.

When I tell someone I am dyslexic they often say, “So your read and write things backwards.” This does not come out like a question. The fact that people can put any of what dyslexia is about into words is a good thing. Personally I am more of an inside out perspective. Lemons inside out is Melons. This is me.

I recently tried explaining what it is like for me to edit my work. When I visualize editing something I have written, a meat tenderizer always comes to mind.

You see, I write something and reread it. To the best of my ability my work will pass my inspection. I will then let it “rest” for a while and go back for a once over  later. When I do (this is where the meat tenderizer comes in) I pulverize my work. I will say to myself, that doesn’t sound right. I will recognize the missing word and type it in. Now, say the missing word is LEMONS , easy enough fix, right? Wrong.

I will look at my freshly typed word and think, that doesn’t look right.

I will modify LEMONS with my favorite writing tool the all important meat tenderizer. Reworking until Life itself will question the sanity of placing LEMONS in my care.

I will then ask someone around me to spell it, matching the letters one by one. This always takes two times through the word. I will then ask my appointed speller if they are sure. And, for some twisted fate in life they’re always positive.

I will come out of said revise with Melons and shake my fist at the Gods Of Revision.

In the end I am left with life giving me one more of those extra Melons. I quickly take it away and put it with the mountains of other Melons life has given me.

Now compound that one word into a whole manuscript of words and add in punctuation. Eventually winding up here.

Some people, when asked what they want most in life, will answer with things like happiness, peace of mind. Not me. My wish would be for an editor or a beta reader. You see the definition of peace of mind for me would be to spell the word Lemons and know without a doubt that it is in fact Lemons staring back at me. As for happiness? Well, all I can tell you is when life hands out Lemons I always get Melons and who wouldn’t be happy with an endless supply of Melons!

Our Hero

We have seen the perfect image but cannot place a face.

Stubborn yet vulnerable.

Handsome yet unaffected.

Strong but flawed.

Loving yet encouraging.

Self-assured yet always evolving into exactly what we need.

Somehow blurred to perfection he embodies what should have been and those that might still be. But sadly he has wrecked us for all men. His measure is based on the limits of man. He rides the sub-conscience devouring foolish missteps of men. His ruthless creation is our deepest desire.

We fall in love repeatedly, never the same way or reason. Often times he reminds how to continue loving. Igniting that spark that’s not even possible in reality. Sometimes it is enough to just remember what once was or might still be. A sweet breath for the drowning. A younger woman’s dreams. An older woman’s memories.

Other male faces were real but how we preferred to see them was not. We pushed, molded and wished but they could never be him, he was born from them.

A wish after every argument.

A feature after every shortcoming.

A word after every silence.

A caress after every unfulfilled desire.

Protector, leader, friend and equal they wrote him down but we drew him into our mind’s eye long before. Even if described to oppose our taste we always find our faceless perfection waiting just ahead to walk through any given journey. Or was he carrying, persuading, challenging or seducing us last time?

It does not matter, he never fails. He is everything we want and everything we never knew was desired. Funny how a blurry man can unearth such clarity.

He is what draws every reader to the next novel. As soon as we turn the last page on him we scramble to find another novel, another glimpse.

The writer brings about the adventure. Does the reader even know it is the million tiny nuances in their life’s story that gives breath to him? Do they know they can write him perfectly if they try? After all, he could not be if they had not already invented him. It is perfection. We fall in love, repentance is not required. Hope is our consequence.

He is a Band-Aid.

He is closure.

He is new beginnings.

He is forgiveness and second chances.

The greatest romance to ever take place is when someone finally wrote the first scene unlocking the fiction women dream to be reality.

He is a fictional character.

He is the hero and we the protagonist of his world.

Writing Writing Tips For Less Knowledgeable Writers Is Supposed To Help Me Reach My Target Audience?

If you ask how to drive traffic to your blog the answer is almost always the same. Provide something of value to your potential reader. This is always followed by writing tips.

The blog I’m supposed to write. 101 writing tips.

The underlying point of a writer blogging about the rules of the trade is (according to other successful authors): To gain traffic so people will find out about and buy your book. There are SO many of these blogs it is mind boggling. But when an author blogs about writing tips and then spams a million “buy my children’s book” tweets, I get confused.

My question: Why would you think that your future readers are other writers? Sure, writers usually love reading but they are not your target audience.

Don’t get me wrong, I love reading about writing tips. I have grown as a writer because of those tips and I need them. But my novel is geared towards  young adults. Shouldn’t I be trying to get the fans of bands like One direction to read my blog?? I am a young adult author, they are young adults, that would seem logical to me.

The answer is no, leave “One Directioners” alone and concentrate on your genre or purpose.  (Trust me, unless you are One Direction, trying to sell your auto-biography, these fans are NOT interested, no matter what you blog about.)

Am I the only one who sees a flaw in the “writing tips” method? Personally, I value creative over perfect only because I cannot always see your mistakes (being dyslexic me) but I can immerse myself into your cleverly written world. (And, if you break the rules of writing for a clever, creative purpose, I will immediately consider you a kindred spirit.)

Now, if the purpose of writing tips is to attract your peers than this is a very effective method. But, if you are looking for your target audience, know who they are and what they like. Theme your blog around those guidelines because I bet their not interested in writing tips. Then tweet about your blog and have that lead them to your book.

For example: Say your novel’s genre is paranormal, I would include something like this link:

Most Haunted Real Places http://inventorspot.com/13_real_haunted_places?page=0%252C1

Gain interest in your novel by immersing your audience in what they love. Take them on a virtual tour that will scare the shit out of them. Or treat them to a bit of the urban-legend that prompted you to write your sure-to-be best selling thriller. If you make it clever I assure you, your readers will periodically check back in to see where else you can take them. Eventually they WILL by your book.

If they love romance and your novel is just that, then maybe an article about relationships, or, if you wanted me to buy your book/read your blog, include this picture. I assure you I will buy whatever this man is selling!

If you are writing a non-fiction about something like gardening, a link like this may be of interest to your reader: http://www.garden.org/

http://www.garden.org/regional/report/arch/inmygarden/4318

These people are dying to know how others get carrots to grow in the desert. Keep your blog about gardening and leave out the writing tips. Who knows, you may even attract the interest of people behind said link, prompting them to mention your work. Credible website says buy your book, sounds like marketing gold if you ask me!

Whatever your genre create a buzz of awesome information, immersing your target audience in what they love. It makes sense and gives your blog purpose. This is what I will be doing as my writing career eeks along.

If you have a manuscript and are trying to attract the illusive agent/publisher, make your blog samples of your writing style. Focus on your strengths.

If you are like me, you are learning as you go. A blog about writing is not only appreciated but necessary. But if your tweeting “buy my book” and making everyone mad, I suggest writing a blog that sparks an interest for your target audience. Then you can tweet about your latest posts and sell some books based on the creative and vast knowledge of your genre. This can save a LOT of wasted time. Not to mention the Twitter Police will stop writing “what not to do” articles (that really are true, sorry to say) about you.

I have accomplished a great many goals with this blog. For me it serves a multitude of purposes. I look forward to doing some creative posts about my up and coming genre, adding randomly to  my writing portfolio and connecting with individuals/groups with common interests.

I wish you all the best and hope you enjoyed my cleverly disguised (must have) post about writing tips. LOL ~Dyslexicwhisper

Query This!

I have always wanted to start my query letter off with: Dear Query Gods. Because lets face it, that’s how it feels.

Dear Query Gods,

Thank you for being out there to glance at my plea. It has taken me twice as long to write this as it did the novel,

but that is okay because I understand that each Query God needs to be worshiped in a different way (by the way your non-gimmicky churro of the month basket should begin next month).

I know your time is precious so I made sure to write something that will make you rich and famous.

I am confident you are the right Query God for the job because I follow you, I mean I subscribe to your facebook page and follow you on twitter. I feel like I am your number one stalker,

I mean fan, having read every one of your tweets about your cats and their daily routine.

By the way, did I mention my protagonist is a cat?

I humbly submit my risky manuscript. If I play my cards right you may just write me back telling me no, in no less than 500 different ways.

But that is alright because every time my spam filled e-mail shows a response from one of you, my heart starts pounding, and that is enough to hook me like a crack addict.

What is my book about, you want to know? Well, let me tell you. No better yet why don’t you tell me what you want my book to be about and I will start fresh, because I read so many novels that are such crap, yet still get published, that I am confident I can be your stooge if given half the chance.

My credentials you ask? Let me get out the list… Sorry, I had it on the back of a Target receipt and must have tossed it out. Oh, no, wait, I have none! If I seriously had the kind of credentials that would win me a book deal wouldn't you be writing me this letter?

I would have liked to tell you more but my word count is already up there, risking rejection by a glance.

So please, we have strained the alphabet enough. Can’t wait to hear from you, I can tell your as eager about this as I am.

Yours (not in an over friendly, not in an unfriendly way)

               

Kellee

farr.kellee@gmail.com

1-800-your-stooge

@greatbigimpressivetwitterlink

666 sold my soul dr.